❤️

In my fourties I had an epiphany.  I realized I had been letting everyone pick me.  My whole life.  My family, friends, partners….

I guess I thought I had to be chosen.  Somehow flawed and unacceptable. Dang it Eve!  😆  Jehovah’s Witnesses beat into my brain.  Hours upon hours of hearing someone else’s thoughts about their opinion of me.  I was the weaker vessel with the smaller brain.  No hope of being a leader.  Only a servant.  I’d be fortunate to have someone, anyone choose me.  And so it went from infancy to 40’s not loving myself.  Not speaking up for what I really wanted.  Saying yes when my gut was saying no.  I ignored all the feelings.   Not even knowing what I really wanted.  What was my dream for myself?  They told me it was a perfect body in paradise on earth but, that’s a lie.  So then what?  I was stuck in this no man’s land just being blown around like a tumbleweed.  

The only time I would speak out is when the feelings got so big they bubbled over and I exploded.  I always regretted it.  But, why didn’t I just speak up in the first place?  Ugh!  Over and over….

I didn’t know how.  So, first I had to forgive myself for not knowing any better.  I started working with a Coach, learning how to manage my mind and emotions.  I learned how to delay my reactions to negative emotions and feel them thoroughly without turning into a hot mess.  I started speaking up, saying no.  I learned how to be in a committed relationship and not want marriage.  I learned to trust and love myself even on my worst days.  I figured out my dream.  What I wanted, then I honored it.  

I tied a red string on my wrist.  It reminds me, “me too!”   What do I want?  What do you want?  What if you allowed yourself to dream and imagine like a free child?  We CAN choose ourselves first instead of waiting to be chosen.  That’s when things start to fall in place.