Let’s first go back ok?

I’ve been married and divorced three times. Disclaimer!

Every one of those marriages included either alcoholism, drug addiction, mental, physical, sexual and mental abuse and prison time or a combination thereof.  

It doesn’t surprise me one bit.  At 16 years old I was disfellowshipped and kicked out of my JW house.  My step dad abused me and I was made out to be some sort of 16 year old baptized virgin temptress.  For the next couple of decades I carried that guilt, like somehow I  deserved the punishment.  So, time and time again let these broken men choose me. I never felt worthy of anything more than eternal punishment.  It was my own abusive hell I created for myself for the next 25+ years

I hit another rock bottom  in 2015.  Pregnant with twins with two kids in a one bedroom apartment and a dead end job.  Alone.  I spent 3 precious days with them after they were delivered.  The adoptive parents in the adjoining hospital room.  I nursed them for them, not me.  I gave them up for adoption for them, not me.  Birth mom love is great big unconditional love. Selfless love. I had my second ever nervous breakdown. I was 40 and everything was a hot mess. The twins deserved waaaaay better than this.  

I came crawling back to the Kingdom Hall a week later (2016) with all of the visual scars of birthing and a broken heart hid underneath my dress.  I was that “sister” crying at every talk and Watchtower study.   During that next three years I slowly started to wake up.  I started thinking it’s no wonder my whole adult life has been absolute s&@t. The message from the Watchtower is that I was a sinner, deserving of death, putting myself in bad situations I was deserving of rape.  

I read Deuteronomy in one sitting and decided that I didn’t resonate with the way God was described in the Bible. I don’t think a God of love would have made a law for a rapist to marry their victim. That was it. I started researching all the CSA cases and it sickened me to hear Jackson say under oath that the Governing Body could’t possibly be Jehovah’s mouthpiece.

That started my wake up in 2019.  I didn’t believe the “truth” so much anymore.  I started waking up to the conditional love.  Then I reached out for more therapy and then coaching.  I’ve built myself up now to a place I never thought was possible.  It was work!  So many tears, anxiety attacks, throwing up not able to manage my mind or emotions at first. It was MESSY and I grew like crazy too.

I stayed quiet at the Kingdom Hall and then abruptly faded.

I met my boyfriend in October 2020.  I was probably part way healed at that time.  Even though I feel pretty healed now I realize it’s an on going thing, this healing.  Our relationship is the healthiest one I’ve ever had and I know it will just keep getting better. It takes time and patience but, it can be done.  I was always worthy.  When I changed my mind to believe it, I started living it.  

I believe in you, yes you!  My story might look differently than yours.  But, it’s not.  It’s a story of waking up and deciding we might possibly be worth more. 

Nothing great happened until I convinced myself to start trying to believe it.

Then I really started living!